Places To Go People To See
by allwaswell
Summary: This is my first fanfic go easy on me. this is supposed to be funny. *i do not own harry potter*


Places To Go People to See 

A Death Eater Story

I Do Not Own Harry Potter or the characters they belong to J.K Rowling. 

It had been a long day in the death eater hideout and everyone just wanted to get out of the house. That's when Peter suggested a road trip. Bellatrix who was more than eager to impress the dark lord with her driving skills said, "Get in the car I'll drive!" So everyone herded out to the rather large van that could fit at least fourteen death eaters. "My lord you may have the passenger seat in the front next to me. He nodded at Bellatrix and got in the van. The van was arranged in seven rows of two except for the backseat that had three. "Dolohov, Yaxley you take the next row." said Bellatrix. "Alecto your brother and you can have the next. "Wormtail you will be seated with Severus here. "Great." Muttered Snape. "Lucius and mcnair next row." "Rookwood and Barty be seated next." "Last but not least Avery, Geryback, and Roudopus backseat." Bellatrix finished and hopped in the car and started it. She turned around and faced the crew and said, "Fasten your seat belt this is where the fun begins."

Bellatrix slammed on the gas so hard that the sheer force of it all pinned everyone to the back of there seats. Bellatrix forgot though to put it into reverse and the van pile dived into the Mansion. "Bella! Put it into reverse, reverse!" shrieked Voldemort. "Oh right sorry." She grabbed the stick shift and slid it into reverse. Then with all her might stomped on the gas and broke the heel of her stilettos. And poor peter who had not taken Bellatrix's advice in fastening his seatbelt was flung through the front windshield. "Shit my shoes!' screamed Bellatrix as she realized she had broken her favorite pair of high heels. She leaned down to find the missing piece of her shoe with her foot still on the gas pedal. "Don't take you hands of the steering wheel." bellowed her brother in law Lucius. Just then they heard on familiar whistling noise somehow Bellatrix had drove them on to the rail road track. There was an eruption of screams. Voldemort reached fore the steering wheel. "Found it!" Bellatrix said over the screams. "What?" she asked. They all pointed to the train. She screamed the loudest of them all. She shoved Voldemort's hands away from the steering wheel and reached for the stick and yanked it into drive. "Hold on everyone!" she said with a cackle of mad laughter. Everyone continued to scream, except for Yaxley who had fainted. "Go faster Bella!" screamed Snape from the backseat. She turned around to face him. "I'm going as fast as I can you idiot!" "Bellatrix please keep your eyes on the road er track!" pleaded Voldemort clutching on to his seat. "I am!" Bellatrix tried and tried again to get the car off the track but came out fruitless. Dolohov pulled out a bible and a rosary and started praying the hail Mary. Geryback Avery, and Roudolhus were sitting in back seat clutching onto each other crying hysterical. "Please, Please get us off this track!" bawled Bellatrix's husband. "What does it look like I'm trying to do?" "Get us killed!" shrieked Avery. "That's it1" said Lusius as he unbuckled his seatbelt. "It's someone else's turn to take the wheel!" "Sit you ass back down!" Bellatrix yelled stomping on the gas harder knocking him into a sitting position. Bellatrix once again tried to serve the car off the track but was unsuccessful. "It's gaining up on us!' Snape called to the front seat. "My Lord save us!" they all shrieked. "Your asking me to do something Bella's the one driving said Voldemort hiding his head as if someone was about ready to punch him. "That's it…" whispered Bellatrix. She rolled down the window and climbed out. "What the hell do you think you are doing!" screamed Voldemort as he reached for her but missed. "Saving your lives!" she called back. "Oh great she abandoned us!" cried Avery. "Were going to die!" the all screamed at once. Bellatrix stood up on the van felling as if she were in a really elaborate spy movie pointed her wand at the train and screamed, "Bombarda Maxima!" The train blew up to smithereens. She climbed back into the van with a cheerful looked on her face and said, "See taken care of." She turned around to see everyone looking as pale as ghost. She sniffed the air and said, "What's that smell?" "I think I jut had an accident." said Snape.

Finally Bellatrix managed to get off track. Once out of the van several death eaters kissed the ground. Greyback who had looked especially pale went behind a bush and puked his gut up. Yaxely who had passed out was still in the seat with his tongue hanging out of his mouth looking as if he was dead. Peter, who had been left back at the Mansion, came scurrying up and asked "What happened to you guys?" Everyone just groaned. "You don't want to know." said Greyback in between gags. "Lets just say I'm never riding a train again, wormtail." said Voldemort holding his hand to his heart. "Bella what were you trying to do, kill us!" screamed Lucius in her face. "No! I was just trying to have a relaxing drive." "Relaxing! There was nothing relaxing about that!" yelled Avery. "This was not my idea it was wormtails!" she pointed at peter and everyone's eyes shot to him. "This…is…all…you…fault!" said Greyback still puking and gagging. Everyone glared at him until Rudolpus finally said, "Hey where's Rookwood. That's when he came limping up the track saying, "I m right here." He said as he collapsed at there feet. "Poor fellow." said Barty. "Yeah he must've got flung out of the car when we were on the track." said Mcnair. "But how…?" asked Bellatrix. They all turned to face the van that's when they realized that a part of the side of the van where he was seated was missing. "Poor chap must've fell out." said Greyback finally coming out from behind the bush. "Hang on Bella doesn't that van have a flying switch?" asked Voldemort. "Oops." Was all she could say.

It was a week after the incident with the train and everyone has finally gotten over it. Rookwoods broken leg is mended and Peter who had only retained minor head injuries has recuperated. Greyback is finally getting over being sick. And yes Snape's underwear has been washed many times. And the rest have finished therapy. Everything was back to normal; Until Peter opened his big mouth again. "I'm hungry My Lord." "Yes I'm rather peckish myself." "Go fetch me something wormtail." he demanded. "Yes master." he relied and was off. Meanwhile, the other death eaters where sitting at the kitchen table minding there own business. "Shit!" cried Bellatrix. "What is it now?" asked her husband. She looked at him with tears in her eyes and said, "I broke a nail!" "Oh for the love of God." He said rolling his eyes. That's when Peter entered the room. He was about to open the fridge when Alecto said, "If your looking for food forget it wormtail." "Yeah, added Avery "There's nothing in there but moldy cheese and that left over Chile from last night and you my friend do not need anymore beans." "Hey I already told that was not me!" he squeaked. "Uh-huh right sure it wasn't." said Greyback. Peter stomped out of the room amidst an uproar of laughter.

"There is no food my lord." said Peter meekly. "What do you mean there is no more food?!" roared Voldemort. Wormtail flinched. "Except master if you want more Chile." added wormtail. "No thank you last nights musical production at the meeting was enough for me." "What do you propose we do my lord?" "I don't know think of something you fool I'm starving." yelled Voldemort. "We could possible I don't know…" "Spit it out wormtail!" shrieked Voldemort. "Go to the store and buy some groceries." "You imbecile! That's the stupidest idea I've heard and I don't know about you but I don't think muggles would be accustomed to seeing a group of death eaters walk into Kroger and pick up lunch." "Besides I don't have any muggle money do you? And I don't feel like making a scene at the store when we try to leave without paying." Suddenly Peter was struck by a brilliant idea. "My lord I know what to do." "Well?" inquired Voldemort. "Let's go to McDonalds." "Wormtail that's… absolutely brilliant." said Voldemort jumping up from his chair. "Let's go tell the others." Meanwhile the death eaters were still at the kitchen table. "Where do you suppose wormtail is?" asked Lucius. "Probably eating some more chile." said Yaxley with a grin. Snape and Dolohov exchanged gleeful looks. That's when Voldemort and Peter walked into the room. "Alright my followers we're going to McDonalds!" "What?!" the death eaters chimed. Many looked around the table with raised eyebrows. A few gave gestures toward Voldemort implying that he was crazy. "We are going to McDonalds.' said Voldemort more slowly this time. An explosion of laughter erupted around the kitchen table. Lucius was laughing so hard he fell out of his chair and hit his head on the floor knocking himself out. Barty thumped his fist on the table. About the only person who wasn't laughing was Bellatrix who was staring at Voldemort with confused expression on her face. Voldemort glanced over at Peter who was turning pink then turned back to the laughing group and hissed, "Do you find this funny?" The hilarity died immediately. "My lord you can't be serious." said Dolohov with a little chuckle. "Oh but I am get in the car." The death eaters just sat there some exchanged confused looks. "Now!" he bellowed. Everyone shot up at once and dashed for the door. "That's more like It." said Voldemort with a satisfied grin. "Come, my flatulent friend."

Once again everyone herded out to the van. " Uww, Uww I'll drive." said Bellatrix. "No!" all the death eaters shrieked. "I shall drive." said Voldemort. "My Lord may I sit in the front seat with you?" asked wormtail. "Absolutely not, especially after all that chili you ate last night." said Voldemort. "I already told everyone that was not me!" "Whatever just take a seat in the car way in the back." "Bella you can have the passenger seat but whatever you do don't take the wheel." "Yes my lord."

Everyone piled into the car. But Voldemort just sat there. "Well?" said Bellatrix. "I don't know how to start the bloody thing." He said. "Oh for heaven sakes my lord you have destroyed many people inflicted so much pain and you can't even start the car?" "Don't patronize me Bella." "Here just let me…" Voldemort slapped her hands away and bellowed, "Don't touch anything you're likely to get us blow up." "Now let's see here, No," He turned around to his follows and said "Does anyone have a car manual or something?" Two hour later. And there they still sat. "Oh for the love of god!" shrieked Alecto. "Yeah I was starving half to death an hour ago I want some food now!" said Yaxley. "Why don't you just walk to McDonalds then." retorted Voldemort. "Sounds like a plan to me its not like were going anywhere time soon." Yaxley unbuckled his seat beat and began walking toward the road. "Um, okay then!" another two hours later. "HOW DO YOU TURN THIS BLOODY THING ON!" shrieked Voldemort. "Why don't we just forget it, it's not like I have to eat to live or anything" said Snape sarcastically. "Yeah, yeah" said Voldemort. "if your so smart why don't you turn it on Severus." "And you think I know how to turn this thing on?" said Snape. "My lord please just let me turn it on!" said Bellatrix "Do I really look like I want to die today?" said Voldemort. "Look, the fact of the matter is I'm starving half to death , and when I don't get enough food I get testy, you do not want to see me when I'm testy so I'm going give you one more chance let me help or I'm going to start munching on your arm!" Voldemort stared at her for a moment then said, "Fine but if you get us killed I'm going to haunt you in the after life.'' Bellatrix reached over to the ignition and turned the key the car started to rumble. Dolohov jumped out of the car running screaming to the hills. "Oh please I don't want to die yet!' cried Greyback. "Calm yourself Greyback the car hasn't blown up." "Oh ok, ok I'm good I'm cool." "See if you had just trusted me we would have been there hours ago." "OH shut up will you a least I started the car." "What do you mean you started the car?!" shrieked Bellatrix unbuckling her seatbelt. "I mean I didn't feel like trusting you after that incident with the train, and you just merely helped start the car, the Dark Lord Voldemort know how to do everything." "Oh really next time you can just shove those keys up you're…" "Can we please just go to McDonalds now I been waiting for five hours, and it doesn't help that wormtail was sitting in the backseat farting the whole time, so if you ladies are finished with your little get together I would like to eat now if you don't mind." said Barty. "Fine." Voldemort said. He placed his hands on the steering wheel then turned around and asked "Does anyone else know how to make the car move?" Everyone groaned. "Oh in the name of Slazar Slytherin!" yelled Avery. Then they saw a figure coming in the distance. "Who is that?" asked wormtail. Voldemort raised his wand and started, "Avada…" "No my Lord, it is I Yaxley." As everyone took a closer look the saw that had indeed been to MCDolands. "He has food get him!" shrieked Rookwood. "No!" Everyone jumped out of then car and tackled him down to the ground. "No get off of, let me go back off you jackals!" he cried as Bellatrix tried to pry a big mac out of his hands. "This is my food you choose to sit in the car with sir farts a lot and Lord who can't even manage to start a car."

**Authors note- alright tell me what you think this is my first fanfic and attempt at being funny. I know it ended at a awkward place but I just have been so busy and it was killing me not posting something so I promise new chapters on the way!**


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